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Ficlet: The Out-of-Towner

Title: The Out-of-Towner
Author: Rebcake
Rating: PG
Word Count: 465
Characters: Spike & Count Dracula (the George Hamilton version)
Summary: On his way to CBGBs in the late '70s, Spike runs into an old acquaintance.
Crossover with the 1979 film Love at First Bite.

Spike strode down the street, practicing the proper hitch of his shoulders to get the coat billowing just so. As he passed the mouth of an alley, he did a threatening sideways swirl, center of gravity low. A quick glance showed the alley was empty, so he took a few steps backward while rehearsing his “you lucked out this time, loser” head toss. One shoulder banged solidly into a pedestrian, whom he bounced off unexpectedly. He was sure there hadn’t been anybody there a moment ago. Whirling about, he took in the hoity-toity evening clothes, and smiled.

“Lost your way then, sport?” he asked.

The pedestrian stepped into the light of the flickering streetlamp. “Villiam?”

“Drac?”

“I am Count Vladimir Dracula,” the man corrected automatically, pulling his cape closer about his body. He looked rather down in the dumps. Spike felt his pleasant evening slipping away before it had even started.

“Oh, bloody hell! What are you doing in the Bowery, you tosser?"

“I was looking for the Ritz Hotel, but the taxi let me off just there,” said Dracula, pointing to a seedy bathhouse with a flickering neon sign on the opposite corner. “This trip is not going well. I do not think that New York is the place for men such as us.”

“You’re kidding, right? This place is brilliant. Everything a man of the world could want in this town. There’s music, for one. The nightlife never ends. This coat? Got it off my second Slayer, coupla months back, right here in NYC,” he bragged

“Ah, Villiam. You are so young. So easily amused. I seek something more rare. My bride. The woman I have sought over the centuries. She is here. I must find her and bring her the gift of eternal life.”

Spike tapped out a cigarette. “New York girl, you say? Better be careful what you offer, or she might think you’re selling insurance. They’re canny, these new world chits.” He lit up, and added, “Tasty, though.”

Just then that worm Renfield ran up with his hinky gait.

“Master! I have found her. She likes the nightlife. She likes to “boogie”. We will find her at the Disco-Round.”

Spike rolled his eyes. He’d given up on cokeheads after a few months in town. They made him too twitchy. Still, everybody had to learn in their own time.

“Will you join us, Villiam?” asked Drac, the picture of courtesy.

“Sorry. Got plans of my own tonight.”

“Ah. A pity.” Dracula patted down the pockets of his suit ostentatiously. “I seem to have lost my wallet when I transformed into a bat earlier. I wonder, Villiam, whether I might borrow the cab fare?”

And that, my friends, is how Dracula came to owe William the Bloody twenty bucks eleven pounds.

FIN


Bonus prize: How many '70s movie comedies can you spot?

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Comments

( 39 comments — Leave a comment )
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kerkevik
Oct. 16th, 2009 06:35 pm (UTC)
Hi,

it's certainly been a chuckle-o-rama tonight, as I approach chucking out time. Perfect antidote to writing a fic which was definitely not of the funnies.

Loved the Count's accent, sounded to me like the real dude, ya know? From Sesame Street, that transylvanian guys just an imposter, you do know that right?

Great stuff
Write more long fics,
'cos the little'uns are definitely worth reading when you do.

Still under Willow & Tara's spell
Ray.
rebcake
Oct. 16th, 2009 07:18 pm (UTC)
Heh. At first, I had the Count turning all his w's into v's, but it just seemed overkill. I have met folks that are perfectly capable of making a particular vowel/consonant sound, but fail to do so consistently when faced with a proper name. *shrug*

I'm glad to provide a chuckle. The silly: it's a thing.

Thanks for commenting, Ray!
(Deleted comment)
rebcake
Oct. 16th, 2009 10:04 pm (UTC)
Two vamps, in the prime of unlife: what's not to love?

Thanks for commenting!
jen_nsync_landl
Oct. 16th, 2009 07:30 pm (UTC)
Hee hee!

This:
“Master! I have found her. She likes the nightlife. She likes to “boogie”. We will find her at the Disco-Round.”
is just super-snort-tastic. So, you know, *snort*!

And this:
"I seem to have lost my wallet when I transformed into a bat earlier."
also amuses the beejesus out of me. Yes, this is a little commented-on but terribly limiting side-effect of the whole bat thing. ;)
rebcake
Oct. 16th, 2009 10:12 pm (UTC)
I know that disco is a terribly easy target, but I seem unable to resist the temptation to fire anyway. *iz weak*

My theory about the missing wallet is that he never carries one, so the bat thing is a canard. (Oh, I do crack myself up. Tsk.)

Glad to amuse! Thanks for commenting!
(no subject) - jen_nsync_landl - Oct. 16th, 2009 10:46 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - snickfic - Oct. 16th, 2009 11:31 pm (UTC) - Expand
brutti_ma_buoni
Oct. 16th, 2009 07:46 pm (UTC)
Ah, the old exchange rate conundrum. It's a good thing Drac didn't create that debt in 1890, or the ramifications would be very complex.

Also: hee!
rebcake
Oct. 16th, 2009 10:15 pm (UTC)
*snerk* I don't think Spike's much of a businessman, or he'd be after decades of interest as well. For him, it's always the principle of the thing. *nods seriously*

Thanks! Glad to get a giggle!
rose_griffes
Oct. 16th, 2009 09:46 pm (UTC)
*giggles a lot*
rebcake
Oct. 16th, 2009 10:15 pm (UTC)
You're cute when you laugh. Thanks for weighing in!
snickfic
Oct. 16th, 2009 11:29 pm (UTC)
Hah. Lot's of funny here, that whole first paragraph especially. So theatrical, our Spike.

(Also, you're missing quote marks after "Tosser.")
rebcake
Oct. 17th, 2009 01:29 am (UTC)
So theatrical, our Spike.

Well, a fellow gets a bit of a pass for trying out his new toy. I use "new" advisedly, however, since he's probably had the coat for months, by this point. Years, maybe. ;-}

Thanks for the save! All fixed.
petzipellepingo
Oct. 16th, 2009 11:32 pm (UTC)
“Ah. A pity.” Dracula patted down the pockets of his suit ostentatiously. “I seem to have lost my wallet when I transformed into a bat earlier. I wonder, Villiam, whether I might borrow the cab fare?”


Too bad Buffy didn't come along then... Poncy bugger.

And hee!
rebcake
Oct. 17th, 2009 02:37 am (UTC)
Buffy wasn't even a twinkle yet...but she probably still could've taken him! *snerk*
goldenusagi
Oct. 17th, 2009 01:20 am (UTC)
Of course that's how it happened! :)
rebcake
Oct. 17th, 2009 02:41 am (UTC)
No question! Except, there are comics that have a much more convoluted explanation, having to do with Bram Stoker and first editions and Drusilla and...I like mine better. Heh. Thanks for your support!
rahirah
Oct. 17th, 2009 03:43 am (UTC)
*snorfle*
rebcake
Oct. 17th, 2009 05:38 am (UTC)
*gawrsh*
trepkos
Oct. 17th, 2009 08:09 am (UTC)
Priceless!
I love the coat-practice!
And poor Drac - he's an old-fashioned vamp.
rebcake
Oct. 17th, 2009 04:47 pm (UTC)
Love at First Bite is a fish-out-of-water story of a throw-back vamp in the big, bad, modern city. He's constantly mistaken for a head waiter and other humiliations. The old-fashionedness of him is the entire, hilarious point.

Our Spike keeps up with the times, of course, but he's no less the drama queen than is Drac. Silly vampires.

¡Yay! I'm so happy you enjoyed it!
zanthinegirl
Oct. 17th, 2009 08:36 am (UTC)
Bwwaa haa haa!

That was really fun.

Master! I have found her. She likes the nightlife. She likes to “boogie”. We will find her at the Disco-Round.”

Spike rolled his eyes. He’d given up on cokeheads after a few months in town. They made him too twitchy. Still, everybody had to learn in their own time.


Hee! Love the dig at disco. And the dig at cokeheads; that feels very in character actually. Though he seemed to enjoy feeding off that LSD (I assume!) hippie at woodstock.

And hee! to how Drac came to owe that 11 pounds/ 20 bucks. Transforming into a bat FTW!!

Uhm, the only 70s comedy I can think of the the one where George Hamilton plays a vampire. Which I can't think of the name too-- I probably saw it on late night TV as a kid, but the memory apparently stuck with me!
zanthinegirl
Oct. 17th, 2009 08:40 am (UTC)
Actually now that I read the header, I'm pretty sure that the George Hamilton as Drac movie was Love at First Bite though I'm too lazy to bother googling it. Doh!
(no subject) - rebcake - Oct. 17th, 2009 04:57 pm (UTC) - Expand
gigi_tastic
Jan. 11th, 2010 03:32 am (UTC)
AMAZING! I have this image of spike spending HOURS working out how to make his coat billow just so now! hahaha loved this. the idea that drac's bride likes to "boogie" is just great.
rebcake
Jan. 11th, 2010 04:47 am (UTC)
Hee! Thanks for commenting. I'm glad you liked it, and that you now know Spike's secret. (It takes work to be that cool.)
shapinglight
Mar. 18th, 2011 09:24 pm (UTC)
I seem to have missed this the first time you posted it. Very glad to catch up now.

Hee! Very funny.
rebcake
Mar. 18th, 2011 10:10 pm (UTC)
I cross-posted to nekid_spike, so you might've weighed in over there. Glad it still amuses you, though! Thanks for commenting!
moscow_watcher
Mar. 18th, 2011 10:12 pm (UTC)
Delicious!
Spike practising his swirls is a hoot!
rebcake
Mar. 18th, 2011 10:27 pm (UTC)
I admit that his theatricals in Restless (and also Storyteller) made it seem inevitable. So glad you enjoyed!
slaymesoftly
Mar. 18th, 2011 11:48 pm (UTC)
ROFL Loved it. Couldn't spot a single movie reference I could name - except the likes the nightlife/boogie thing, but I can't remember the movie it's from.
rebcake
Mar. 20th, 2011 01:51 am (UTC)
Silly! It's Love At First Bite, like it says in the header. The tragedy is that they lost the rights to the song, apparently, so they use a different one in the DVD version and it isn't nearly as funny. It was the funniest part, too. *sigh*

I'm glad you enjoyed! Thanks for commenting.
(no subject) - slaymesoftly - Mar. 20th, 2011 02:08 am (UTC) - Expand
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