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Fic: Mysteries of the Kitchen

Title: Mysteries of the Kitchen
Author: Rebcake
Rating: R (for toys) — Don't try this at home, kids.
Word Count: 380
Pairing: Spike/Buffy
Summary: My entry in today’s impromptu “Buffy slays something with a kitchen implement and has sex with Spike afterwards” ficathon. What more is there to say?
Ficathon notes: Apparently, it’s all the fault of gabrielleabelle and penny_lane_42. As if that surprises anyone. Follow these links for entries from:
angearia Kitchen Battle Royale
beer_good_foamy Pull Out The Pin
stormwreath (see summary for title)
dorians_kitten Gone Before Dawn

“What is that thing, anyway?” asked Buffy, wiping the hair out of her eyes with the back of one wrist and pointing at the offending object.

“Rugalach demon, pet,” said Spike from the kitchen door, where he had appeared just as the commotion on the porch died down.

“No, I mean this thing.” She bent over and yanked on the handle of the mystery object, which came loose from the dead demon’s chest with a squelching sound.

Spike took it from her and held it up for a closer look. It was wide but slightly pointy, with vertical channels and a knobby handle.

“Right. Let’s get it cleaned up a bit.” He skirted around the overturned utensil drawer and headed for the sink.

Buffy righted the drawer and began to refill it from the jumble on the floor. “I don’t know what half of this stuff is. I mean, what could this possibly be for? Is it even necessary?” She gestured with a small device that seemed to consist of four tiny holes and a handle.

Spike turned from the sink, shaking the excess water off the knobby thing. “That is a zester, Slayer. For getting the zest off lemons and whatnot. And this, love, is a reamer.” He held it out to her, rounded point up, tongue peeking between his teeth. “For the juice.”

“You are so full of it, Spike.”

“I could be.” He waggled his brows.

“That’s just…” She stopped, flushing. “Um, you did say ‘reamer’, right?”




He looked at her expectantly. She took the reamer and hefted it in her palm, then tucked it into her back pocket with a smile.

“Let’s stash Rug Lock here out behind the shed.” She picked up the demon by what passed for its armpits. Spike shrugged, then picked up its feet. They maneuvered down the porch steps. “Then we’ll see if we can squeeze any juice from a vampire.” He nearly dropped his end. He wasn't sure he liked the glint in her eye. Well, he did, but she didn't need to know that.

“I’m starting to rethink this plan…”

“It’s either that or the zester, mister.”

“They say I’m evil.”

“Not lately, they don’t.”

“Oi, no need to get nasty.”

“You know you love it …”

And on it went, until they found something more interesting to do with their mouths.


A/N: Check out this visual aid. I’m not exactly sure which one was in the Summers-Pratt kitchen, though those wooden ones look extremely dangerous. Just for fun, get a load of the center one in the third row! I had to check that I was really in the Home and Garden section and not “novelties”. Wowsa!



( 36 comments — Leave a comment )
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Feb. 25th, 2010 03:37 am (UTC)
I wish you could see me laughing. I really, really do. Naughty!

And I'm blissfully proud to take partial credit for this little impromptu fic-a-thon.
Feb. 25th, 2010 04:21 am (UTC)
Hee! It's the pictures, isn't it? I was really afraid to search "reamer" on the interwebs, because who knows what might pop up, but I figured Amazon wouldn't be too out there. Wrong!

Thanks for commenting, darling.
Feb. 25th, 2010 04:43 am (UTC)
Oh, Buffy, wicked girl!
Feb. 25th, 2010 06:14 am (UTC)
Hey! He started it, with his peeking tongue and waggly eyebrows. I mean, what's a girl supposed to do?
Feb. 25th, 2010 04:54 am (UTC)
:raised eyebrow:

That's some reamer.
Feb. 25th, 2010 06:17 am (UTC)
I was shocked! Shocked, I tell you!

MiAmor thinks I should make an icon out of it, though.
Feb. 25th, 2010 06:26 am (UTC)
Hee! And extra points for visual aids. Whoa.
Feb. 25th, 2010 06:54 am (UTC)
Glad to get a grin! I really had no idea that reamers were so advanced...but that's why we have the very educational internet, right?
Feb. 25th, 2010 09:01 am (UTC)
I was going to say that that's a very unorthodox use of a reamer, until I read Wikipedia:

Grasping the fruit in one hand and the reamer in the other, the user (...) grinds out the inside with a twisting wrist motion until nearly all of the juice is extracted. This dislodges the seeds and some amount of pith, so the juice must generally be strained before use.

...Woah. Wikiporn. "Dislodges the seeds" indeed. Spike is a bit of a pervert, Buffy makes him put his money where his mouth is (...so to speak), it takes a lot to shock a vampire slayer, and I'm laughing uncontrollably over here. Great addition.

ETA: Reading that back, it sounds a lot bloodier and more, ahem, intrusive than when I thought it. Ouch. Sorry.

Edited at 2010-02-25 12:44 pm (UTC)
Feb. 25th, 2010 04:54 pm (UTC)
There are many ways this could go that make me wince, but the seeds and pulp are really too much. Thanks for that, beer. As you say, it's a good thing he's such a pervert, but she's no angel, either. I suspect it'll all turn out slightly less sinister in the end. Heh.

Even so, some of the pointier models are cringe-worthy indeed, but the stubby little lime reamer looked almost friendly (in comparison)! But Buffy's always been a gal who worked with the tools on hand...
Feb. 25th, 2010 10:06 am (UTC)
Funny if you think of it! but after beer_good's explanation, please put a "Don't try it at your home" disclaimer (just to be sure)
Feb. 25th, 2010 04:58 pm (UTC)
Don't try it at your home

Hoo boy! Ain't that the truth! Unless you have a naughty vampire around, it's probably better to keep out of the kitchen when you've got the bedroom on your mind. Most household accidents...
Feb. 25th, 2010 01:16 pm (UTC)
That was deliciously suggestive. And glad I could see what a reamer looked like.;)
Feb. 25th, 2010 05:14 pm (UTC)
Some of those reamers are pretty scary! But Spike and Buffy are very brave (and not a little twisted). Thanks for commenting!
Feb. 25th, 2010 01:45 pm (UTC)
Oh my, I didn't know those existed! LOL, great fic!
Feb. 25th, 2010 05:24 pm (UTC)
Hee! There are many, many arcane kitchen implements, with mysterious purposes. I say this as someone who owns both a butter bell AND a potato ricer. Also, a zester. I do not have a hand-held reamer, however. That may change...

Thanks for commenting, darling!
Feb. 25th, 2010 06:10 pm (UTC)
Heee! The more I read the more I'm convinced that my kitchen could be a perfect place for shooting a porn movie! :)

Thanks for the laugh! :)
Feb. 25th, 2010 06:40 pm (UTC)
Thanks for commenting, darling! I like to think that we fic writers are just as ingenious about using the materials at hand as Buffy herself! This little ficathon might prove it!
Feb. 25th, 2010 06:48 pm (UTC)
Kitchens are just chock full of interesting objects...
Feb. 25th, 2010 07:21 pm (UTC)
Tee! The kitchen is a very dangerous place! Guard your virtue!
Feb. 25th, 2010 07:23 pm (UTC)
You win extra ficathon points for finding the *dirtiest* kitchen implements...
Feb. 25th, 2010 07:39 pm (UTC)
Eh. Anything is dirty if you say it right. It's the old "You're the one showing me dirty pictures, doc," joke. Or, possibly not. Heh.

*waves extra points*

*assigns a triple score to beer_good_foamy for the 3-way crossover*

(no subject) - angearia - Feb. 25th, 2010 11:33 pm (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - rebcake - Feb. 26th, 2010 04:51 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - angearia - Feb. 26th, 2010 04:54 am (UTC) - Expand
Feb. 25th, 2010 07:29 pm (UTC)
I'll never look at my reamer the same way again. *skips off to make a lemon pie*
Feb. 25th, 2010 07:42 pm (UTC)
Mmmmm. Pie. See? Anything is dirty with the right perspective.

Sorry if I ruined your reamer for you. Or, perhaps I made it into a new favorite? *hopes*
(no subject) - aerintine - Feb. 26th, 2010 12:59 am (UTC) - Expand
(no subject) - rebcake - Feb. 26th, 2010 04:56 am (UTC) - Expand
Feb. 26th, 2010 02:12 am (UTC)
WIN! :)



Feb. 26th, 2010 04:58 am (UTC)
Well, the beater just seemed redundant...
Feb. 26th, 2010 04:03 am (UTC)
I've always thought reamers were just butt plugs put to practical use...
Feb. 26th, 2010 05:01 am (UTC)
You put it so succinctly! Of course, who am I to say which application is the more practical? No reamer here, no ma'am.
Feb. 26th, 2010 03:49 pm (UTC)
I love it, though we just call them "hand lemon squeezers", which sounds much less kinky! I do love a bit of naughty Spuffy.

Friending you, if that's OK - we seem to be "meeting" all over the place anyway!
Feb. 26th, 2010 09:45 pm (UTC)
hand lemon squeezers

We colonials are so lazy and direct. Why use three words when one will do, especially if it can also work as a double entendre?

Friend away! We will be forever united in our love for naughty Spuffy!
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